Hello Readers,
It has been a while since I have posted anything and yes I have been writing but there hadn’t been a topic that I felt particularly passionate about to discuss so again I thought I’d keep true to my soul and let my pen take the lead. I really struggled with how I would even begin to really express myself without giving away too much but here goes....
To My Forever Love...as you know I have made a few mistakes in my life but I can truly say that you have not been one of them. This journey that I have been on with you have not always been the easiest at times but if I were given a chance to do it all again, I would choose you 100 times over. I would have confidently said that I knew all there was to know about “love” before I met you. Whaaaaat?!!!...I was a damn expert in the good, the bad, and all the ugliness of a relationship HAHAHA (how ignorant of me).
In my times of solitude, I had asked for many things but YOU...you were unexpected. I had manifested you unknowingly with thoughts and dreams that I had shared only with my best friend who was then adamant that we were going to end up together. I spent many conversations laughing at her wishful thinking but I can recall that Monday morning back in 2017 when we spoke as if it were just yesterday. How my skin lit up and my bones caught on fire figuratively speaking of course. That day we spoke from morning until night (very high school-ish lol) but neither of us wanted to hang up. Over the course of that week, I began experiencing emotions and feelings that I never thought possible. Emotions and feelings that even after five years, through the highest ups and the lowest lows, still remain firmly in place.
I’ll be the first to admit that I am far from perfect but I wake up everyday and make a conscious decision to learn from my errors and to grow as a woman. One of my greatest fears was always of ‘Rejection’, stemming from a childhood where I felt abandoned by the people who were supposed to love me the most. This began to manifest in my relationships because I would very rarely put myself in a position to be rejected and I would always walk away. How often do you run away from the hardest parts of yourself? *Hand raised* I have on many occasions but in doing so I was creating a distance between my inner and outer self and also between myself and others unknowingly. My interactions with people became superficial and even though I had a great desire to deeply connect with you, that connection faced a few limitations and challenges along the way. From my experience with you, I have learned self awareness and how to view a person on a level deeper than what is on the surface. I even went as far as seeking therapy for those childhood issues that were frequent in my adult life (the best decision I made for myself). I have learned that you cannot ask for success whilst in your thoughts preparing for failure, you will get what you have been preparing for. Fear has been my enemy.
Fifty years from now, if you knocked on my door and told me that you needed me, I would still drop everything I had and help you. Fifty years from now, if you knocked on my door and told me that you were ready to try again, I would be ready to try again. Fifty years from now, if you knocked on my door and told me that you loved me, I would love you back. I am certain that I will love you for life so I’m hoping that in fifty years from now when you knock on my door, it will only be because you lost your keys.
Those who know me well, will tell you that I am a gladiator in love and I will go to war over my heart. Society will say that I’m stupid haha but don’t forget that “society” is an illusion that doesn’t supply you with all the facts. They post pictures on instagram with #relationshipgoals whilst suffering behind the scenes. In a world full of lies, it is a crime to live in your truth but I’d rather be behind bars before I live a life based on some bulls**t. Who wants a perfect love story anyway? Beyonce said it best, “I don’t care if we on the run, baby as long as I’m next to you and if loving you is a crime then tell me why do I bring out the best in you”. I always say that nobody really knows or can begin to understand me until they walk a mile in my shoes. I’ve stopped plaguing myself with the thoughts of why things have happened and began looking at the benefits and how to move forward.
To My King: I salute the divine spirit in you and I only see your divine self.
To My Readers: Love and love selflessly, wish with worry and just sit back and watch as your every desire begins to come to life. Fear is the enemy and has been mine for a long time. The fear of failure, the fear of losing, the fear of rejection, these are all just an overall feeling of insecurity that can cause internal and external downfall. I wake up every morning and I read, I bless myself with only positive thoughts so that I am able to receive all in life that is meant for me.
See you in my next post.
